We were subject to rules we didn’t understand.
A rule was, “No more than 4 ounces of juice.” We didn’t understand why. Completely nonsensical. It felt like just another reason to be punished. “Because I say so” never worked for me.
Drink the last of the orange juice and she might randomly get annoyed and say, “You didn’t leave any for me?” The juice bottle could have half an ounce in it for days because nobody wanted to drink it and get yelled at. We got yelled at anyway for letting the juice spoil.
We didn’t understand why she was exempt from her own rules. (Establishing specialness)
Rules were subject to change without notice. (Destabilizing)
Sometimes we didn’t know a rule had changed until we were getting punished for breaking it. “You should have known” or “Now you know!”
Random punishments create paranoia, anxiety and a sense of foreboding. Life becomes an unpredictable mess. What happens to you is beyond your control. This creates long term destabilization; a constant sense of "something is wrong" or "something will go wrong."
Rules would be changed for a week and then be changed back without notice. Destabilizing. Random punishment.
“Why can’t you be as good as your brother?” creates friction, division and destabilizes sibling relationships.
Get a “B” on your report card and you’re asked why you didn’t get an “A”. If you get an “A” why isn’t it an A+?
You’re not good enough. You are disappointing.