In the late 70s I was working at the Pizza Hut in Ronkonkoma, NY. The pay was chump change, but I really enjoyed the few years I was there.
My mother kept track of the days, hours and minutes I worked. She knew the precise moment my paycheck was in my hand, right down to the millisecond. She was like a greedy Darth Vader. She could sense a nickel hitting a pillow three towns over.
When I got paid, my mother demanded a piece of the action. She was the doorman at Studio 54 – to get past her you had to grease her palm.
I’d have to show her my paystub so she could calculate her cut. A rough estimate would be: Take my total pay, deduct enough gas money for me to continue earning, then she gets half of what remains.
So, not only am I making chump change flipping pizzas, but my own mother is shaking me down. I felt like I was kicking up to a mafia capo. If I couldn’t make any money that week she made me take off my shirt, wash it, iron it, fold it, and hand it over to her. She would wear it until I could buy it back. Fongool!
Then began the negotiation.
When I say “negotiation” I really mean begging and pleading. It was an emotional negotiation – she would take less from us if we could melt her heart. Like melting an iceberg with a heating pad.
She was a rough negotiator.
“Give it to me now or I will tell your father.”
She wins.
If she did accept a lesser cut of the action, she made sure we knew this would require her to “smooth it over” with my father. She was willing to go to the mat and risk my father’s wrath to help us keep our money. David versus Goliath.
Three days later you’d find out if you got a pass or would have to make up the difference next time.
One small problem.
My father had no idea she was running this racket. No idea whatsoever. She was doing this behind his back.
My mother would wait until he was at work, then give us the pat-down using him as her enforcer. She played it like she was only following orders from the monster. “Children, I don’t like it anymore than you, but this is what your father demands. Please don’t make him mad. Work with me here. I love you. Give me your money. Now.”
My father was her goon and he didn’t even know it. He was coming home to three pissed off teenagers who had their money stolen and were told to blame him. My mother set my father up as the fall guy as she went about spending our money on new shoes.
We blindly believed this was the family policy because our mother told us this was the family policy. We believed what our mother told us because, as she herself taught us, “A mother doesn’t lie to her children.”
This crazy game of lie-n-steal-n-lie-n-steal-again went on for a long time.
[WHAT I THINK TODAY]
The only person who knew my mother’s lies – was her. She was the only person on this planet who knew exactly what was going on and knew exactly what she was doing – she was lying to the people who trusted her the most, to steal their money. Then blames the father. Holy crap.
She was lying. She sold us some kind of twisted alternate reality where she was completely innocent – just following orders dictated by ADOLF – who was conveniently absent every single time she was breaking our knee caps and stealing our money. This is classic narcissistic gaslighting. Textbook.
“The underhandedness and betrayal of what was happening here would wobble my knees had I not known this wasn’t the first time my mother stole money from our family while scapegoating my father.”
~ Paul Rubino, just now
[LINKS]
A scapegoat in the context of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is someone who they can point to as the bearer of responsibility for a narcissist’s behavior. They’re an easy person to blame and point fingers at, which gives the narcissist a way to justify this behavior. The scapegoat, meanwhile, is entirely innocent of these charges.
Psychologists Explain the Reasons Why Narcissists Need a Scapegoat
“I never said anything like that.” “You’re just trying to hurt me.” “You’re the crazy one!” These are just some of the things a narcissistic gaslighter might say to you, and hearing them can be disorienting and humiliating. Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of abuse in which someone makes you feel like your thoughts and emotions are wrong.
What Is Narcissistic Gaslighting? How to Recognize & Deal With This Behavior